Hit by a Truck

Some days I feel like myself. 

Other days all I can think about is the old life that is gone. 

~ Hana Shank 

(writing in The Atlantic about recovery after being hit by a truck).

Yes. I was reading this horrible story and then hit these two lines. 

Some days I feel like myself. Other days all I can think about is the old life that is gone.

Even on days I "feel like myself," I often wonder, "who do I want to be for the remaining years of my life."

Nope, not hit by a truck, but sometimes it feels like it.

After almost 4 years I still seem to wake up and, if there is nothing on my schedule, think "so what do I not want to do today." 

And, it seems my reply to that question is often "I don't fucking care." 

I don't really care that the clean dishes are waiting in the dishwasher for me. (Clean for 2 days, but I'm not interested in clearing the sink of the new dirties, so whatever.)

I don't care that I have a mound of dirty laundry waiting for me. [I DO care that I have seemed to lost over half of my bras, but not enough to hunt for them.]

I don't care that I need to weed the garden at the Senior Center. It can wait. 

I don't care that the kitchen table is piled high with stuff (even though I might care a little when looking for something I suspect is there).

I've fed and waltzed the pets outside. They are snoozing away.

I am sitting here waiting for the next ring - that tells me another blood test result is in. I took  a fasting blood test for cardiology today and I am checking each test result (what the hell is a BNP? ESR? GRAN? EOS? Does it matter? What will the result mean to me?).

I forget about the fun and games of the notification of test results for almost 2 days after a blood test. So far so good. I'm normal. What does that mean? Normal for a human? Normal for a 68 year old woman? 

What do I care about? Give me a minute.

------ THREE DAYS LATER ------

MAYBE THE KEY IS WRITING IT DOWN (and maybe not. I am moving towards something on my schedule.

* Dishes are done - clean are put away and the dirty are washing as I type this.

* Laundry is underway (4 loads done and "foundation garments" located at the bottom of the basket.

* 2 hours of pruning and weeding and hauling at the Senior Center garden were completed and some men hired for carpentry work finished the weeding and mulching the next day. [I'm not clear about these guys. I just know I was done after 2 hours and went home as it was too hot to work.]

* The pets are well in order. Bitty was sleeping in the dirty laundry until I gave her a clean fuzzy blanket. [I own nothing.] 

* The "rings" from the lab have stopped. Everything is fine, but for a few borderline results. I do tend to push boundaries after all.

What do I care about?

Hmm. In no particular order: family, friends, pets, heath, adventure, humanity, art, my garden (currently my art)... I care about so much. But sometimes it is important to take stock...and do your laundry (Bitty threw up in the pet bed so she's added another load to the laundry list).